Tying your “camel”.

As July fades away and August brings its own predictable nature of humid weather, thunderstorms and fears of COVID-19 hitting us with surges again, I choose to reflect on the recent visit to Colorado and find peace once again.

Life has been pretty rough for many of us lately. COVID literally took all the things we counted so confidently on and brought us the most bizarre scenarios to work with. I recall the times when we did not have to worry about masking or think 500 times before planning vacations. It really has changed perspectives for many and for some.. the stubborn nature refuses to be forced into anything sensible. For what we know, selfishness comes in many conspiracy theories and forwarded whatsapp messages. Such times we live in…

I remember that when I was looking at the view from a very beautiful hike in Fraser, I felt so distant from all the chaos back home. When I say “home”, I actually refer to the day to day struggles we face. What should I cook today? Grocery is coming up.. what can be on the menu for next week? Bills are due next week, budget time? Etc etc. Life continues to add and subtract different issues as we age and move forward. We choose to hold on to so many things in our lives and do not get a chance to declutter our thoughts, our feelings or our problems. The act of holding on is the most easiest thing we have learned to do in our lives. I , for one, have held on to so many memories of the past.. memories that bring me joy but more of the memories that remind me of the times when I felt the lowest. Trauma does not make it easier to let go and definitely makes it extra hard to work through them. But when I went for this little “escape”, I promised myself to let go of whatever wrong that happens. I chose to look at the bright side because it seemed an easy thing to do. And it was not.

The eve of the trip, my daughter fell sick (second time this month) and spiked a high fever. Neither of us slept well at night and my husband took her to the pediatrician the next morning, an hour before we had to leave for the airport. Alhmdulilah, it was confirmed that it was just a viral bug she caught and thanks to her daycare, we will continue to see some ups and downs for sometime before her immune system gets used to it. The trip began with some solid shakes and for those who know me, I am a stickler for my daughter’s sleep. I have always guarded her naps like it costs a trillion dollars and always stuck to a schedule that worked with my comfort. I wouldn’t say it was ever rigid but it kept me in the flow. Either way, we may have signed up my daughter to become a robot in the future because we stuck to a schedule ( judgmental folks, you take your time at this one).

My daughter took 3 days to recover, during which the trip to our resort , she was at her absolute worst. Her discomfort made me cry in the backseat while I held her hand so she could sleep. I thought about the google doc I created that had my checklist for everything I needed to make sure I had a good trip. But I did not account for this scenario. SubhanAllah, shows you how much Allah SWT is in control eventually and we can only plan for somethings but not all. In the total of 5 days, I held my daughter to sleep in the noisiest and the brightest of places and sometimes in the most unpredictable settings. It was weird that I actually started to enjoy the randomness the day would bring because I took comfort in the part that it does not happen everyday. My husband worried about the same concerns I would have too but somehow, the idea of perfection was nonexistent at that time. My therapist had suggested to be a curious observer instead of being the person in control. It made such a huge difference when I faced the situation in itself. It was so hard , I will not lie and normally I would lose my bearings in a jiffy had it been the case a few months ago. But I told myself that I would not let this affect my present and that we will get through it.

It took some hikes and knee pains to realize that while we plan and we should plan, we should have some room for things to go south. Allah SWT is the Ultimate Planner and the One in control. Some may frown on our ways of over planning everything and may laugh and mock at how much we prep and worry. While some may encourage and you will find trillions of articles talking about how to plan a trip with a toddler in a 15 hr flight. Or, how to put your toddler to sleep in an aircraft ( I did that before this trip and stopped once my husband pointed out im being a lil extra ). The fact is that our planning may interfere with Divine Intervention and that is okay. Allah SWT asks us to tie our camel and the biggest disclaimer that so many of us choose to ignore is that, tying our camel does not mean not doing our homework. It does not mean you ignore the risks, not outweigh the benefits and not look at the bigger picture. The whole idea of tying up your camel is hard work. It can me mental and it can be physical. It can be financial too but it has to come from us. When I realized that I am not going to get the perfect schedule for my daughter in the trip, I started to find ways where I could squeeze in a little time for her rest so we can survive till bedtime. Knowing that I do not control the outcome but just a little bit of her comfort gave me all the tools I needed to work with. Believing that Allah SWT will bring her comfort in the end made it all easier to do, whatever the situation demanded from us as parents.

So learn to let go when things are demanding control ( obviously not at the cost of your self respect), do your work but if it is not going your way, hand it over to Allah SWT .

• 

Breathe.

Breathe.

Even if the tantamount cries of panic disturb the peace of your heart.

Breathe.

When the constant demands to be perfect and free of stains hammer you down.

Breathe.

If the society tells you to give in to their view of  lifestyle.

Breathe.

When the thoughts don’t stop at night and the worries of next day carry on.

Breathe.

When you inhale the toxicity wrapped in words of love and care that aims to kill the person in you.

Breathe.

When they unjustly demand you to give up your space for their content because you are expected to.

Breathe.

Follow it with firm decisions, disagreements and rattling  of cultural shackles and be loud in your demands. Embrace your fears and  calm your pounding heart as every change begins with you.

So Breathe and Be free to live.

Death.

In the past few weeks, I came across two shocking news of very close relatives passing away. Each one bought its own waves of grief that I cannot put into words. The shock , the disbelief and the inability to process was a pain of its own.. not to forget the constant drifting away into thoughts about what the family must be going through. I feel as if these two family members were equivalent to losing a part of my own.. I grew up with them. I had the most prized memories with them. My family was the happiest around them and the anticipation of joy that they bought with them along with their kids was the brightest part of my life I am unwilling to forget.

Death is such a harsh reality and a painful one too. It takes away the joy from our lives and replaces it with an emptiness that time fills but it’s so hollow. It’s never fermented deep enough because then there’s another tragedy to cope up with . We can never reach the level of Divine Wisdom in this process of life and death and while our hearts and mind can never be at sync , we are taught to recite Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayehi Rajioon( We are from Allah and unto Him we return). And follow it up with patience . Why? How does one find patience in the loss of a life partner? A mom that sacrificed herself again and again and a father who stood by when the world fell apart? A child once held in the arms of long awaited 9 months? How does one find closure in a time where absence suddenly is a forced reality and the memories spent with the loved ones suddenly become a lifelong longing? Allah SWT taught us to be patient because this world was never meant to be complete and infinite . He hated death for us but He knew the importance of this heartbreaking reality to keep us grounded. Realizing that what we have is not ours but to give back reminds us the urgency of how much we need to put in. How much we need to treasure our relatives and our parents. Our spouses we don’t value enough and our children that we get used to being around. We give back to Him only to be rewarded with a lifetime in the Hereafter. Because when we are united in Jannah where there will be no grief, no stress and no heartbreaks.. it will be all worth it. Even if the now seems the hardest to go forward, what is to come will be better in reward and the best in Abode inshAllah .

May Allah SWT forgive our deceased and have mercy on us to meet our Lord with the best of deeds ameen.

The first few days

Alhmdulilah ( All Praise is to Allah SWT ) for a chance to witness Ramadan 2019. Just like every year, this Ramadan was long over due. The list of duas ( prayers) is longer than last year’s and the longing for them to be heard is even more.

Every time it begins, my first feeling is always “ how will we do it?” and by the end of the first fast, I feel like “‘that’s it?”. It’s not that I don’t go through a severe caffeine withdrawal or have hulk like roars in my stomach. I am positive most of us work in a place where suddenly everyone starts ordering extra delicious food and our sense of smells heightens around this time. But boy, the strength that holds us back is remarkable. It’s amazing how this month’s sanctity turns even the most far trodden from the path of Allah SWT to someone who fears and loves Him enough to abstain. And while sometimes we often forget the purpose of this month in our iftar feasts or Quran challenges or taravih feuds ( the classic 8 vs 20), the unity that keeps this Ummah going and the Masajids full ( despite the constant threat of an active shooter situation!) is truly a feeling I would not miss for the world .

This month is a month of overcoming personal struggles while recognizing your flaws in front of your Lord who sees it all. It’s a month where your seclusion and your confessions are heard by Him who never judges you on your sin but waits for the sincerity of asking for forgiveness. These blessed days are not just limited to quitting food for 12-20 hours of fasting but in addition to attaining Taqwa( consciousness of Allah SWT ). Know that He watches when you are presumably alone and He knows your struggles on days when you are facing a spiritual low and have guilt that burdens that accompanies your despair. Whatever it takes, even a dua or a page of Quran  , hold on to that effort. Because Allah SWT says

“And hold fast, all of you together, to the Rope of Allah (i.e. this Quran), and be not divided among yourselves, and remember Allah’s Favour on you, for you were enemies one to another but He joined your hearts together, so that, by His Grace, you became brethren (in Islamic Faith), and you were on the brink of a pit of Fire, and He saved you from it. Thus Allah makes His Ayat clear to you, that you may be guided.” (3:104)

 

 

 

Fall 2018- the reflection of Trials.

These days, my ride to work has been a little colorful and it really makes the 20 minute commute feel pleasant. Dallas of all the places is actually showing the early onset of Fall 2018 and it actually looks pretty! SubhanAllah, beauty comes in places we least expect from. Obviously, comparing it to the Fall of Maryland, it has a lot of catching up to do but for now… this will do =)

I often get caught up in the intricacies of nature and what it brings to me. I believe that whatever my eyes see and my ears hear have a connection. Something that helps me also  find calm and content in my little photography itch that I get every now and then. And these days, when days are going faster than Barry Allen-the fastest man alive and moments slipping past my fingers and my To-Do list becoming the next leaning tower of Pisa , I find it hard to slow down. I can’t recall ever slowing down because the demands around me are not that kind enough. Sometimes it is the housewife mode that demands attention, sometimes it is my professional work and sometimes it is family in general. Slowing down is not the most feasible option but when I make it my option, it is the best thing I gift myself for the day.

Every morning when I take the turn to Greenville Ave, the sun is just rising to shine on those beautiful trees that are currently in the process of changing their colors. The sunlight shows the beauty in more defined form and I kind of wish the signal would take longer to turn green because that moment, that brief moment of 10 seconds is my small escape. My problems seem so much smaller, so insignificant and the only thing that matters is to take it all in. Absorbing the details even though it has been the same for the past week, is absolutely refreshing.  But when that moment is over, it is back to reality again. So why have this moment when we have to go back to that rusty life anyway?

I am pretty sure we are all engulfed with some sort of issues . Whether be it personal, professional, financial or marital etc. We all have issues ( something my therapist told me once haha!) and that is one thing that we do not like to confidently advertise on social media. Because it is too real. Our problems will never end and our trials will keep changing their shape and sizes but they will be there. Sometimes they overtake our sanity and sometimes they push us down to the ocean floor and it is hard to get up and try again. Sometimes, the problems break us and we cannot find the strength to push back and fight. Because our emotions become heavier than the problem itself. And when we look around and compare our lives to those advertised on social media ( reminder; the ones people want you to see and read about) the thoughts of failure stings harder.
Allah SWT tells you otherwise. Allah SWT has already told us in the Qur’an and Rasulallah SAW has confirmed that yes we will have problems but that does not mean we won’t have hope. And hope and forgiveness in Allah SWT is the KEY to overcoming our trials. And while it is easy to ink it down on this blog, it is definitely the hardest thing to practice. But boy, when you get the hang of it..

When the sun rises and shines on the colorful trees, when the leaves change colors and fall and when winter gets replaced by Spring. And when the tulips begin to grow and the trees begin to bear fruit again.. we know that this is by the Will of Allah SWT . We often overlook the process by labeling it as an act of “nature” or  that”science” has already proven it. Well. DUH. But in this is our reflection. In it is a sign that just like the changes around us, our problems do end. Maybe not the way we want them to.. but the way Allah SWT wants them to. Or maybe they will not end but we will become stronger. We have to train our mind to believe the wisdom of Allah SWT is something that our limited mind can not understand and that, not everything in this world needs to be understood under a microscope . Faith is not blind, faith is a belief that comes from within. By looking at the signs around you and the process that works with or without your approval.

Everything comes together in the end. By the Will of Allah SWT .

To my narcissist, I divorce you.

The first time I heard those insulting words come out of your mouth disturbed me. Did I hear you correctly? I asked.
You replied with a complete change of sentences and laughed at me lovingly. “You didn’t understand, I would never call you that”. 
To which I replied,” But you literally just said..” 
“You’re imagining things”.
And so I believed. I believed that I misunderstood. I misread. I misjudged. How dare I? You loved me so much, you would never crush my self-respect in 2 seconds. I guess after a while , you do start losing your mind. I ignored the first jab at my soul and carried on loving you more aggressively.

I became your guinea pig and you were the experimental drug. Your abuse was my drug. It poisoned me but it cured me too. It was my break from reality yet my soul’s countless destruction. Your existence was my oxygen. I had to live, even if it meant I had to die from you. Every. Single.Day.

My mistakes were heavier on me than your own. Your silence that followed after my rare rebuttals and resistance left me stranded. Your prolonged absence in my vicinity felt like the “humane” version of solitary confinement. So I ran back to you again, on my knees, begging you to forgive my disrespect and forget your mistakes in return. Please.. And you’d walk away with pride.. “I am a reasonable person, I always worked with you.. why do you continue to do this?”. 

My body was failing me. There were periods when I couldn’t remember if the abuse really happened or if it was me making up stuff to create an issue. I believed your lies and knew something was definitely wrong with me. The seizures, the sudden quietness, the hiding of my wounds. It was my fault, not yours. But you still loved me regardless, you spent money on me and made sure I knew that the credit card was only yours. So what if I was not added to your phone plan? And I need to control my spending habits and not do a grocery of 200$ a month! You needed the money to buy the expensive “Squash accessories” from Dick’s anyway.

And then I noticed my bruises. Somehow they were getting more serious. They were also infected. An infection that was poisonous enough. Enough to infect my whole body. I showed them to you, begging you to stop. You grinned and asked me if there’s more to the show. So I asked you to end my life because I chose death over your torture. You reported me for medical intervention. I complied.

But then I stopped. The abuse had reached its peak and the body was now immune. So I walked out. Amidst your claims of nobility and my lack of reasoning in the situation, in spite your claims of my disrespectful attitude, I stopped worshipping you. I realized you weren’t God. Because God’s reward for His slaves that worship Him is Paradise. But you weren’t god. You were worse than the devil because even it admitted its fault. You were the abuse that even evil didn’t know. You were hell.

Today, I divorce you. I divorce your claims, your love you claimed to have for me. I let go of your lies and half-truths . I annul my promises to you that I made to you honestly and erase your penciled out vows. You were not real. You were the illusion. but you were also not my mistake. You were my lesson. I divorce you. Your filth. Your existence in my affairs.And all that you bring with your existence.
Sincerely,
No more your punch bag.

 

(Post was inspired by someone close to myself. I pray for all the partners suffering from the emotional abuse of their significant other. May you have the peace you deserve, ameen )

A paradigm shift

After coming back from the class taught at my local masjid, I am finding more reasons to believe that my life is not a cluster of co-incidences. I find it hard to believe that my ups and downs that I go through in my life are simply ” a phase”. Or the fact that they are because “karma” wanted it to happen. Or that the universe is being mean or nice to me.

Eventually, a Muslim at one point reaches a point in his/her life where they go through the process of intellect. How do they choose to do it and when they do it is actually irrelevant. But the fact of the matter remains that this path is inevitable . The journey is either short lived, life long or a continuous path of roadblocks which results in stronger beliefs about personal and world views. My teacher today was asking us to reflect on Surah Fatiha and before we indulged into it, she talked about a constant theme that we find in the Qur’an and that is to “think” and not just basic thinking but an intermediate to advance type of thinking. A thinking or reflection or in Arabic “tadabbur”, that leads us to believe the undeniable fact of our belief in One Lord i.e Allah SWT . And while Qur’an urges us to think, it cannot think for us.

We are living in a time where we are being conditioned to believe that the world offers only a materialistic life or that technology is coming to the point where it satisfies only one of our major needs i.e material needs. We understand that there are moral needs, intellectual and spiritual needs that our souls desire but how can we cater to all of them in one go? Monks and many religious figures tend to confuse spirituality with seclusion or deserting materialistic things to find peace within as a form of worship. None of it being endorsed by Allah SWT as He wants us to have all that.  Yet, Rasulallah SAW also secluded himself to Cave Hira before the Revelation came to him. But when he found his purpose in this world and his rabb; Allah SWT , he never went back to that place. Why? You tell me..

The problem arises when we look around us and see how cruel our culture has been to this Deen of Allah SWT . Not the other way round. We have limited the Qur’an and Salah and the acts of worship to just weddings, funerals and buying new homes. But it is not incorporated in our daily lives. Something as simple as reflection goes without a link to the Creator. We don’t teach our children the valuable lesson of thinking about Allah SWT , but we instill a relationship based off on fear. Heck, we don’t even ask them to think about how they came to existence without the fear of taboos associated with that topic. What are we doing? Where are we going?

The religion of Allah SWT is straight forward and simple. Surah Fatiha is an Opening to the Quran which like Sheikh Yasir mentioned is a summary of what the Qur’an contains. It opens the doors of the vast knowledge that is in the Book of Allah SWT that we have limited to materialistic stuff only. Through this Qur’an, Muslims made breakthroughs in science but it has been a century since a Muslim came up with a scientific breakthrough, why? Sadly, our belief in science is more than in the book of Allah SWT, even though it talked about conception with a clot of sperm and egg 1400 years ago. Years before science even discovered the process of fertilization. Why are we so behind?

You tell me.

Yours truly, a non traditional feminist.

It’s intl. women’s day and that’s somewhat a big deal. I wouldn’t know because I’m not a traditional feminist and I do not believe in the mindset of textbook feminism. Because, I’m educated and liberated within myself and do not feel the need to constantly demand equality and compete to be equal to men. It’s a battle with no reasonable outcome but more mess. I have accepted that biologically and emotionally I’m always going to be a female and different than a man. And I know that God gave me strengths that made me different enough so I wouldn’t be insecure. I acknowledge the issues that arise from an illiterate mindset and cultural practices and not based on Islamic guidelines. I strongly feel towards media which portrays Hijab as my weakness when it has been my strength and for many others . Misogynist is a common term misused. I don’t think that my religion ever created barriers for me to be a strong, independent woman as I have the right to my money, my husband’s money and my individual rights that I can make legally binding in the court of law( Shariah law to be precise!). I was given the right to have a place in Will of close family members, the right to vote etc way before French Women had .I also admit without a shame that behind every woman’s success can be another woman, a loving and respectful husband or a father. And that we don’t really need an influx of estrogen to be successful but a right balance . It’s an insult to see messages that tell me I can do whatever a man can because a “man” is not my depiction of success.

Equal pay should be considered and maternity/paternity leave is the right of every parent and should be paid . I do not agree to raise a child as a feminist or a misogynist but a person who believes and strives for justice in personal and professional relations. 
I’m yet to see feminism strive to battle body image issues , depression and the million dollar industry that promotes vulgarity featuring women. I wonder if feminism battles the issues of the highly sexualized content that plays in our society in general. I’m liberated and complete, by my God who created me in the best form. I’m liberated to know that my gender was chosen by Him to experience motherhood and emotionally stable than that of a man’s. I’m liberated by my religion and not by a drive that is flawed by insecurities of itself.

 

Happy Endings.

In the midst of finding a happy ending, you created a series of unfortunate events that have brought you to one. Yet you remain scarred, wounded,bruised and burned.

Was it worth it?

Chaos

We live our lives in the chaos of betrayal, in the echoes of whispered promises, in the breathless moments of “love” , in the challenges of changes in our lives only to die and face Allah SWT . Only to stand and wait to be either accepted or denied true happiness.