In the midst of finding a happy ending, you created a series of unfortunate events that have brought you to one. Yet you remain scarred, wounded,bruised and burned.
Was it worth it?
We live our lives in the chaos of betrayal, in the echoes of whispered promises, in the breathless moments of “love” , in the challenges of changes in our lives only to die and face Allah SWT . Only to stand and wait to be either accepted or denied true happiness.
The world came crashing down. My world came crashing down. Not at once. One by one.
As if whatever i believed in so much, so confidently, it peeled its way down.
I made sure the foundations were of the most brilliant quality. Like a diamond in the rough! I had told my friends. Nothing seemed wrong.
Yet, they all came down. They fell. I watched it fall. I started noticing holes. I started seeing flaws in my design. In my work. But it was too ugly to believe.
So I looked at the beauty that was not flawed. Yet. That would cover up the rest, I was sure. I was so sure.
I could not notice cracks were forming. I tuned out the first crash of the 5 that were supposed to come. I convinced myself it was just a whisper in my head.
I apologized to those walls anyway so that it won’t fall out on me.
I prayed to Him. I believed in Him but I trusted the walls’ foundation to be trustworthy.So I increased the pace of my duas to save the walls while trusting the foundation.
Time was running out, they were falling. Help! I Had to save it. So I started peeling away on my morals. Cost-benefit analysis! the save was needed, He is Most Forgiving. He will understand.
Atleast, I didn’t do a major wrong.Yet.
But it happened. One wrong to the other. All in the name for the love for the wall. I saw it mocking at my stupidity but I loved the way it looked. The rots were everywhere but I loved the feeling of confidence I got. It’s going to be okay soon.
Then a trusted architect noticed the cancer on the wall. The problem wasn’t the wall, she diagnosed. It was the foundations I had laid. So she recommended for a change. A change from feeble walls to something stronger.
It disagreed. It denied. I begged. Kept begging. I cried about the years I spent my time and energy to save it. But it would’nt listen. It wanted me to move on to another design. To construct another one but not with it’s presence. It wanted me to move on. I didnt want to let go. I held on even when the blisters were excruciating.
Then I watched all the barriers collapse. I saw it more clearly than I could see my own reflection. It was ugly. It was cancerous. It stank. It still smiled and went forward to another builder. Converted itself into another beautiful lie. Ready to be someone else’s design.
I collapsed. Cried, despaired and panicked at the screams my heart was echoing with. Let me forget! Oh Allah, let me forget. Memories are a pain. All I saw were my designs. It was so beautiful, what happened?
And then it hit home.I used Him as my tool but never believed in Him. My love, my design, my efforts were to please it not Him. I saw the cancer but I opted for the blindfold. I heard the crashes but I tuned them out. I saw the lies but I decorated with my love. I built the foundation with haram. How was I going to be at peace?
And then I went in Sajdah. I let the pain over take me. The mountain of guilt swarmed over me and engulfed me like angry waves of the ocean.
And then, my heart whispered “Ya Rabb, forgive me”
Lazily, I skimmed through my Facebook news feed coming across cliche posts. I shook my head as I came across 100th check-in at an expensive hotel by one of my relatives. “Cant they sit at home?” I asked myself the hypothetical question. I kept scrolling until I saw this one picture that made me freeze on spot. Not in the literal sense but made me freeze in my habitual scrolling of fingers
One of my really close friends in Pakistan uploaded a picture from her day at school. At that time, I had limited knowledge of her occupation or work information, I gathered that information later. But my eyes froze on the story the picture was relaying. If the saying goes that pictures can speak a thousand words, I would fit it in there. It showed kids with the innocent ages of 4-7 years or maybe less. My eyes fell on the girl with yellow clips on her head with a beautiful golden sharara. My eyes welled with tears. I dug deeper in the picture and I saw many kids dressed up to what their parents would deem expensive clothes, one of them holding a small Pakistan flag and most of them with their hands raised high. Their faces expressed so much enthusiasm that it leaked through the picture, so much that it was almost nostalgic. It reminded me of the time when I would be eager to answer or impress a teacher that I liked or would want to show off my knowledge (just so I could emphasize my Miss-Know-it-All status).
Why did that picture melt my heart? Why didnt I just simply like and move on? It was not just because my friend was in there but it was also because it raised an awareness that my heart was unaware of.. my mind not at all informed. The picture spoke to me about those underprivileged children that many of us would either mock or pass by thinking that they won’t ever have a future because they don’t have the resources to educate themselves. But what have we done to provide for them? Looking at those eager children, made me contemplate that just because I had grown up thinking that being educated is my birth right does not mean that it means the same for them. Back in their age I dressed up in uniform and carried a cool bag thinking I deserved it but for those children it is as if they won a sweepstakes miraculously. Back then, I would socialize with friends and have a dramatized “katti-dosti” relationships but for them..every relationship is a source to their happiness that they would treasure more than a 100 rupee note. And maybe being a girl never really made me feel uneasy till now because of being born in an educated family but for that little girl with yellow clips.. maybe.. her mother fights a lot of people and her own societal demons to allow the girl to be educated. Every day.
I wont ever stop deducing analogies from that picture. Because it was just a glimpse of the life I am not aware of. However, our job is so much more. To educate and to liberate. Pakistan is a country brimming with talent and it only needs to be nurtured. How many talents are deep hidden in the huts and colonies of those who can not afford to read and write? How many are involved in something heinous that would ruin their life but if given a pen and paper can become innovators and bring light to the darkest corners of the country? Doesn’t it make sense when you read the quote by Victor Hugo.. who sums up the importance of education that we have not realized yet.
“He who opens a school door, closes a prison.”
“… Light upon Light! Allah guides to His Light whom He wills. And Allah sets forth parables for mankind, and Allah is All-Knower of everything.” Surah Nur ayat 35
After doing a routine closing of my office, I had switched off the lights of the rooms and was making my way across the exit door, when suddenly it hit me. I have been doing this over a long time now but it made me realize why there are constant comparisons of Light and Darkness in the Qur’an by Allah SWT.
What does He mean? Like really we know that people who have the Light are guided people, Darkness means evil so sinful people are in darkness but what is darkness? What is a world without Light?
I was unsure of my way even though I knew the room by heart. I walked slowly, kept slapping my hand in thin air and couldnt figure out anything. And then I compared my situation with the Darkness of faith. We all are in some sort of darkness, our life is not filled with Allah SWT’s light yet, so at some point we stumble. We wander around hopelessly, uselessly, our thoughts, our hearts, our actions are like hitting a dart board without actually looking at it. We dont hit “home”.
Then when I entered outside the room into “Light”, I felt peace in my heart and I knew where exactly I was and everything made sense to me. And thats how exactly we are made at default. When we enter Allah SWT’s “Light”, our world is better, our problems well understood ( even if they are not completely solved yet!) our prayers, more sweeter and our thought process? Human like.
May Allah SWT make us among those who attain His Light in this life and in the Hereafter Ameen
I dont know what is more sick..the fact that I come face to face with reality or the fact that through out I have been the one lying to myself. To my beliefs, to my ethics and lastly to those who idolize me. I am guilty and therein lies all confessions.
I cant speak out my mind but I cant stop myself from doing what I do. I am guilty. I keep telling myself that and at this point, when you come so far away, you cant go back . Without even thinking I made my future be it disastrous or fruitful. I have done it. I come across truth after truth, reminding me ,taunting me and scolding me. I have accepted it but it doesnt help my situation any better. Confusing as it gets, nothing can change it now unless I get what I am struggling for. I have to do it.. and only hope that God will be merciful to me. I have reached the point where without certain decisions, I cannot move forward and if I make those , I can try to make my life better.
Life isnt supposed to revolve around one decision. Mine just did and with that said, I get ready to plunge into the sea of unexpected and traumatic situations. I only pray and turn to God for help,if I get lucky I will make it through. If i dont?
I dont even want to imagine what happens next..
Moral filled story for the youth.
“C’mon my friend told me to buy this magazine. Everyone has it, It has all the latest fashions and where to buy it. Like the cutest tanktops and shorts. The newest fashion in the city!”
“What kind of fashion?”
“Do you live in a cave or something? All the girls wear skinny jeans or shorts, a hot tanktop, and have perfect hair! Thats the fashion and you will look amazing if you try that out…How come youre always wearing something that looks like from youre grandma’s closet? No offense. But you need to be part of this century girl.”
“Then how come you girls are really “opressing” yourself by freely showing your body? You tell us, the covered ones, that we’re dealt with unjustly but really its you guys that are going out so confidently but the next thing you know, something terrible happens to you. Thats called unjust &…
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I looked at myself in the mirror as if it was the first time I ever saw my face. Gently caressing my face and staring at my hair which were now tied to a ponytail, I hesitantly looked away and grabbed my scarf.
As I started wrapping it around my hair, I couldnt help but feel upset. ” Whats wrong without it? I look and feel much better than this on my head.. if only..” . As soon as these thoughts crossed my mind, my friend’s voice echoed through my head.
“Your hair is beautiful. You should show it, you’ll look really nice”.
Maybe showing a bit of hair wouldn’t make me a huge sinner.. I will still be doing Hijab wouldnt I? . With that, I took out my bangs and placed my Hijab perfectly around my head. With a final look at the mirror and a satisfied smile, I left for my university. The result was appreciated within minutes of my first class, when my friends started noticing the change in me. One of them called my hijab “beautiful”, the other girl called my taste “awesome” , heck even the top student at the fashion department thought I had a trendy way of portraying hijab. Boy was I overjoyed or what?.
Thats how the change began, sometimes I would wear it with my bangs being shown or sometimes give my hijab the classic arabic look that would be a crowd puller. For major occassions such as a cultural party at university or weddings, I wouldnt wear hijab as it would totally go against my new fashion trends I had recently fallen in love with. Since religion and my personal beliefs were two seperate things, I tried to balance them out by taking each othem seperately one at a time. I felt I was more recognized and appreciated with my trendy looks than for what I was before.
I dont know why this random sister came upto me that day and objected to how I took the hijab. With just half of my hair being shown, she said, did not make my hijab valid and I should take it properly. Although she was polite, I couldnt help but feel angry at her. It is MY personal choice how I take it and not hers, why does she object? She insisted that I shouldnt wear that big hairclip to make my scarf stay as it incurs curse of the prophet PBUH on me. I was like woah. Thats a bit too much in my opinion. Oh well, in the end she just asked me to consider why would Allah SWT ask us to do hijab, which is meant to protect us and not to make our beauty more apparent..
I know many girls who do a hijab that does not at all fit under the category of a high fashion statement. Some are like me, who try to get best of both worlds and even though I like it, I cant help but feel I am being hypocritical. I cant deny that the words of that random girl keep bugging me and I keep thinking about them, but I feel its hard to go back to how I started. I cant give up what I have because of what change I did to myself. Maybe later on when I get married or when I reach my mid 30s, I will. I am at my prime and I deserve to have the best of everything. Allah SWT will forgive me wouldnt He? He is the Most Merciful right?
Hopefully He will forgive me.
I assume anyone who read the title must be either intrigued, amazed or furious. Completely understandable and I do not wish to add more fuel to the fire in anyway. In any case, I urge the readers to understand the points I will make inshAllah. Since this topic has now become a matter of intense debate and sensitivity, it is hard for me as a simple writer not to offend anyone’s view. I apologize but at the same time I am not really looking to please anyone too. So here goes something.
Over the past recent years, Muslims have seen a recent increase in the “converts” population. Alhmdulillah, All praise to Allah SWT for inclining the hearts of those who disbelieved to the truth because without His help this could not have happened. It is the word of Allah SWT that unites us muslims and it is the acts, kindness and love of prophet Muhammad SAW that has made us the longest surviving Ummah till the day of Judgement. It does not surprise me when I say this. But no matter how bad a Muslim is by character that is if he/she is a bad practicing Muslim, if anyone insults the prophet SAW , he will stand up in rage and strong emotion to make sure not another word is uttered against the most beloved prophet of the Muslim Ummah. And why not? The prophet SAW was the one who will on the day of Judgement be in sajdah crying out to Allah SWT’s mercy for his Ummati (followers) to be removed from Hell fire till none of them are left. I mean, it is emotionally challenging to see someone leave his comfort and his serenity and cry out in the most glaring heat for days and years just for those people who never saw him? Or really tried hard to implement his Sunnah or followed Islam properly in general?. It doesnt take a genius to love the Prophet SAW who gave dua instead of cursing a disbeliever who he thought would embrace Islam.Long story short, if we were to analyze the love of the prophet SAW for his Ummah, we would be forever in love with him and that is alhmdulillah with most of us.
We, often forget that, love for Allah SWT comes with a condition stated in the Quran itself “And whosoever disobeys Allah and His Messenger (Muhammad ), and transgresses His limits, He will cast him into the Fire, to abide therein; and he shall have a disgraceful torment” Pretty simple to understand folks. Allah SWT has stated not only in this ayat but numerous times that to love Him, you have to Obey His laws and the Prophet SAW. Which means his Sunnah. Disobeying either or both of them, the place is the one we do not want to go . Yet we see a rise in so many festivities that are in the name of Allah or Prophet SAW but they hardly hold any significance in Islam in general. Rasulallah SAW’s birthday for example, is regarded as something so divine and so virtuous that it has now become a symbol of celebration and more like an unofficial Eid. I have addressed this issue alot and unfortunately many people have disagreed. With sound authentic ahadith and sunnah of the prophet SAW it has shown that this celebration is Biddah ( innovation ) and the prophet SAW has never celebrated it the way some Muslims do. But I am not going to argue from this view point, it has been debated over and over again and has now started to become very weak for those who do not want to accept. But my argument is as follows, precise,small and to the point.
I believe our actions define what we are and whom we follow. Observing the birthday of the prophet SAW may seem highly virtuous and correct maybe because your fathers and forefathers have been doing it. But is it really? If this was the case the Prophet SAW would have done it because after all he was the Last Prophet. He was the mercy to mankind. He was the leader of the last Ummah. He had every right to. If not his birthday, he would have celebrated Hassan and Hussain’s birthday, the grandsons he loved so much that he did dua for them. If he wanted, he would have celebrated fatimah R.A’s birthday, the daughter he loved so much that he layed down his cloth for her when she used to enter the room. If not the prophet SAW, the rightly guided caliphs would have those who were given the good news of receiving Jannah in their lifetime. But that never happened. It is because at that time, the Caliphs knew what the real meaning of love was. Not to hold ceremonies and milad events but to practice vigorously and follow the prophet SAW. Companions died saving the Prophet but are we ready to die for the love of Allah SWT and defending or practicing the Sunnah of the Prophet SAW?
I would leave that for YOU to answer.
“Whosoever is in the heavens and on earth begs of Him (its needs from Him). Every day He has a matter to bring forth (such as giving honour to some, disgrace to some, life to some, death to some, etc.).
Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?”
Yet we deny. Through our acts, through our beliefs, through our thoughts or through every single thing. Allah SWT has endowed so many favors on majority of us that we fail to look down at those who may not be as privileged.
For many days, I felt like I had no purpose in my life. I had depressive thoughts and a point came when I started thinking that except the fact that I find serenity and calm in the word of Allah SWT, there is nothing in this life. Death made sense to me but life didnt. I used to pray and I would get that calmness in me but after a while it would wear off. Today, while at work I encountered something that made me change everything I was previously thinking about my life in general.
A girl came to be seen at our office, she not only suffered from severe ADHD but also with down syndrome and God knows what else. Minutes had passed by and she flipped out or you can say.. she had an attack. It got really bad so we had to call 911 for assistance and when they arrived, she was yelling and crying like crazy. She had to get strapped to a stretcher and what not because of the tantrum that she was throwing. I just saw a bit of it and left as the atmosphere was too intense for me to take it all in. That girl out there didnt know what was going wrong, she didnt even know what problems did she suffer from. Heck as far as she could think, what she was doing was normal. Allah SWT then made me realize something that I couldnt understand for the past few days.
While I cursed my life and my problems in general, there was this girl who would do anything to be in my place just to have a normal thought process. To be able to understand things like any normal person would and not go through heavy sedation and tonnes of medicines to function “normally” . MY problems and my life couldnt be so worse than what that kid was going through, if Allah SWT had wanted , He would have made me in her place and He can anytime since I am so ungrateful most of the time. But He didnt, He gave me everything I want and whatever I need. He gave me things I dont deserve but yet He did for what reason I dont know but I do know that one of its because he is Ar-Rahman, the Most merciful! Yet we also have people who claim “Shit happens” or “Life screws us all” type stuff to say.. think about it the next time you meet a disabled person and compare your problems to him/her.
Allah SWT has made some of us healthy while some of us sick, so that the healthy would take heed from the sick and thank Allah SWT the way He should be thanked and to give to those who are in need. Those who are sick or suffer from illnesses is not because Allah SWT does not love them or He chose to do discrimination .. astaghfirullah. No, as much as my limited thoughts can think its because there are signs for the intellectual and those to reflect and to create the level of humanity. We are made to help each other in any way possible, if everyone was healthy and had a perfect life and there wont be sorrows or difficulties, there wont be any test and there wont be any purpose of living a life in this world.
May Allah SWT make our difficulties easier and make us amongst those who reflect and give thanks. Ameen!