To my narcissist, I divorce you.

The first time I heard those insulting words come out of your mouth disturbed me. Did I hear you correctly? I asked.
You replied with a complete change of sentences and laughed at me lovingly. “You didn’t understand, I would never call you that”. 
To which I replied,” But you literally just said..” 
“You’re imagining things”.
And so I believed. I believed that I misunderstood. I misread. I misjudged. How dare I? You loved me so much, you would never crush my self-respect in 2 seconds. I guess after a while , you do start losing your mind. I ignored the first jab at my soul and carried on loving you more aggressively.

I became your guinea pig and you were the experimental drug. Your abuse was my drug. It poisoned me but it cured me too. It was my break from reality yet my soul’s countless destruction. Your existence was my oxygen. I had to live, even if it meant I had to die from you. Every. Single.Day.

My mistakes were heavier on me than your own. Your silence that followed after my rare rebuttals and resistance left me stranded. Your prolonged absence in my vicinity felt like the “humane” version of solitary confinement. So I ran back to you again, on my knees, begging you to forgive my disrespect and forget your mistakes in return. Please.. And you’d walk away with pride.. “I am a reasonable person, I always worked with you.. why do you continue to do this?”. 

My body was failing me. There were periods when I couldn’t remember if the abuse really happened or if it was me making up stuff to create an issue. I believed your lies and knew something was definitely wrong with me. The seizures, the sudden quietness, the hiding of my wounds. It was my fault, not yours. But you still loved me regardless, you spent money on me and made sure I knew that the credit card was only yours. So what if I was not added to your phone plan? And I need to control my spending habits and not do a grocery of 200$ a month! You needed the money to buy the expensive “Squash accessories” from Dick’s anyway.

And then I noticed my bruises. Somehow they were getting more serious. They were also infected. An infection that was poisonous enough. Enough to infect my whole body. I showed them to you, begging you to stop. You grinned and asked me if there’s more to the show. So I asked you to end my life because I chose death over your torture. You reported me for medical intervention. I complied.

But then I stopped. The abuse had reached its peak and the body was now immune. So I walked out. Amidst your claims of nobility and my lack of reasoning in the situation, in spite your claims of my disrespectful attitude, I stopped worshipping you. I realized you weren’t God. Because God’s reward for His slaves that worship Him is Paradise. But you weren’t god. You were worse than the devil because even it admitted its fault. You were the abuse that even evil didn’t know. You were hell.

Today, I divorce you. I divorce your claims, your love you claimed to have for me. I let go of your lies and half-truths . I annul my promises to you that I made to you honestly and erase your penciled out vows. You were not real. You were the illusion. but you were also not my mistake. You were my lesson. I divorce you. Your filth. Your existence in my affairs.And all that you bring with your existence.
Sincerely,
No more your punch bag.

 

(Post was inspired by someone close to myself. I pray for all the partners suffering from the emotional abuse of their significant other. May you have the peace you deserve, ameen )