And then my heart whispered..
The world came crashing down. My world came crashing down. Not at once. One by one.
As if whatever i believed in so much, so confidently, it peeled its way down.
I made sure the foundations were of the most brilliant quality. Like a diamond in the rough! I had told my friends. Nothing seemed wrong.
Yet, they all came down. They fell. I watched it fall. I started noticing holes. I started seeing flaws in my design. In my work. But it was too ugly to believe.
So I looked at the beauty that was not flawed. Yet. That would cover up the rest, I was sure. I was so sure.
I could not notice cracks were forming. I tuned out the first crash of the 5 that were supposed to come. I convinced myself it was just a whisper in my head.
I apologized to those walls anyway so that it won’t fall out on me.
I prayed to Him. I believed in Him but I trusted the walls’ foundation to be trustworthy.So I increased the pace of my duas to save the walls while trusting the foundation.
Time was running out, they were falling. Help! I Had to save it. So I started peeling away on my morals. Cost-benefit analysis! the save was needed, He is Most Forgiving. He will understand.
Atleast, I didn’t do a major wrong.Yet.
But it happened. One wrong to the other. All in the name for the love for the wall. I saw it mocking at my stupidity but I loved the way it looked. The rots were everywhere but I loved the feeling of confidence I got. It’s going to be okay soon.
Then a trusted architect noticed the cancer on the wall. The problem wasn’t the wall, she diagnosed. It was the foundations I had laid. So she recommended for a change. A change from feeble walls to something stronger.
It disagreed. It denied. I begged. Kept begging. I cried about the years I spent my time and energy to save it. But it would’nt listen. It wanted me to move on to another design. To construct another one but not with it’s presence. It wanted me to move on. I didnt want to let go. I held on even when the blisters were excruciating.
Then I watched all the barriers collapse. I saw it more clearly than I could see my own reflection. It was ugly. It was cancerous. It stank. It still smiled and went forward to another builder. Converted itself into another beautiful lie. Ready to be someone else’s design.
I collapsed. Cried, despaired and panicked at the screams my heart was echoing with. Let me forget! Oh Allah, let me forget. Memories are a pain. All I saw were my designs. It was so beautiful, what happened?
And then it hit home.I used Him as my tool but never believed in Him. My love, my design, my efforts were to please it not Him. I saw the cancer but I opted for the blindfold. I heard the crashes but I tuned them out. I saw the lies but I decorated with my love. I built the foundation with haram. How was I going to be at peace?
And then I went in Sajdah. I let the pain over take me. The mountain of guilt swarmed over me and engulfed me like angry waves of the ocean.
And then, my heart whispered “Ya Rabb, forgive me”