Confessions of a Random “Hijabi”
I looked at myself in the mirror as if it was the first time I ever saw my face. Gently caressing my face and staring at my hair which were now tied to a ponytail, I hesitantly looked away and grabbed my scarf.
As I started wrapping it around my hair, I couldnt help but feel upset. ” Whats wrong without it? I look and feel much better than this on my head.. if only..” . As soon as these thoughts crossed my mind, my friend’s voice echoed through my head.
“Your hair is beautiful. You should show it, you’ll look really nice”.
Maybe showing a bit of hair wouldn’t make me a huge sinner.. I will still be doing Hijab wouldnt I? . With that, I took out my bangs and placed my Hijab perfectly around my head. With a final look at the mirror and a satisfied smile, I left for my university. The result was appreciated within minutes of my first class, when my friends started noticing the change in me. One of them called my hijab “beautiful”, the other girl called my taste “awesome” , heck even the top student at the fashion department thought I had a trendy way of portraying hijab. Boy was I overjoyed or what?.
Thats how the change began, sometimes I would wear it with my bangs being shown or sometimes give my hijab the classic arabic look that would be a crowd puller. For major occassions such as a cultural party at university or weddings, I wouldnt wear hijab as it would totally go against my new fashion trends I had recently fallen in love with. Since religion and my personal beliefs were two seperate things, I tried to balance them out by taking each othem seperately one at a time. I felt I was more recognized and appreciated with my trendy looks than for what I was before.
I dont know why this random sister came upto me that day and objected to how I took the hijab. With just half of my hair being shown, she said, did not make my hijab valid and I should take it properly. Although she was polite, I couldnt help but feel angry at her. It is MY personal choice how I take it and not hers, why does she object? She insisted that I shouldnt wear that big hairclip to make my scarf stay as it incurs curse of the prophet PBUH on me. I was like woah. Thats a bit too much in my opinion. Oh well, in the end she just asked me to consider why would Allah SWT ask us to do hijab, which is meant to protect us and not to make our beauty more apparent..
I know many girls who do a hijab that does not at all fit under the category of a high fashion statement. Some are like me, who try to get best of both worlds and even though I like it, I cant help but feel I am being hypocritical. I cant deny that the words of that random girl keep bugging me and I keep thinking about them, but I feel its hard to go back to how I started. I cant give up what I have because of what change I did to myself. Maybe later on when I get married or when I reach my mid 30s, I will. I am at my prime and I deserve to have the best of everything. Allah SWT will forgive me wouldnt He? He is the Most Merciful right?
Hopefully He will forgive me.